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From Russia to America: The First
Seven Days
I have told many clients that the single biggest myth
about Russian women is that they are primarily motivated
to meet foreign men in order to achieve wealth,
citizenship in some other country or material gain. The
countless women I have met (and the very special one I am
engaged to) seem to come from a time and place that we
have left behind in America - a place where people make
great sacrifices for love, for the sake of family. The
decision to leave home and fly half way around the world
to live with someone they have definitely fallen in love
with, but are still beginning to know, in order to realize
the dream of happily ever after is the biggest decision of
any foreign lady’s life. I was reminded of this recently
when I took my 5th trip to St. Petersburg, Russia - to
bring my fiancée home to America.
Viktoria and I received our Fiancée Visa from the American
Embassy in Moscow in December. She wanted her and her son,
Sergey, to spend the holidays with her family, so we
planned their relocation for January and, on the 19th, I
boarded the Finnair flight in New York to go and claim my
new bride and son. I remember thinking, as the plane
ascended and headed north, that this time I would not have
to leave Viktoria behind on the return trip. The sense of
relief and accomplishment was unreal.
The following days in St. Petersburg were filled with
celebrations with her family and friends, many delicious
dinners, countless toasts to our togetherness and future.
Vika and I spent every night drinking wine and talking
late into the evening with her mother about our plans. And
when the day of departure was finally upon us, her mother,
aunt and uncle, and 2 cousins joined us at the airport for
a final farewell. We all exchanged hugs and kisses, and
vodka toasts for a safe flight and a quick return. Vika,
Sergey and I proceeded through customs. At the last moment
I looked back and only I and her family could see each
other. Their faces huddled together, they blew me kisses
with happy tears in their eyes and smiles. “We are trusting you with everything,” they seemed to say.
I was humbled beyond words.
I promised Viktoria not to say things to try and comfort
her on the flight back. She knew I loved her; she knew
everyone would be ok, but her thoughts were of her mother
and her family, and the exciting yet completely foreign
new world that was waiting to welcome her. So we flew
quietly for 9 hours to New York, and I held her hand and
kissed her forehead and let her sleep. Once in New York,
we cleared U.S. Customs easily and headed for a hotel near
the airport to unwind. I thought the most difficult part
of the journey was finally over - little did I know!
I completely underestimated the gravity of Vika’s decision
to leave Russia for America, expecting that America would
immediately seduce her with so many great freedoms and
luxuries. . . the shopping, the restaurants, the friendly
people. . .of course, this was naïve on my part. The first
48 hours would become a tug-of-war where I would
continually introduce her to something great about
America, or Phoenix, or her new home, and she would simply
reject everything, unable to reconcile the internal
conflict of happiness and guilt, joy and pain, excitement
and trepidation.
There were a few comical moments during this struggle. We
went to Target for a few essential items, and I wanted her
to pay for the transaction, to build her confidence that
she could interact with people. “Nyet! Nyet!” she said. “What if he says hello?” “Say
Hello back.” I said. “What if he says ‘How are you?’“she said. I said, “Say ‘Fine! How are you?”
She insisted no, I insisted yes, and so she paid the
cashier and was fine. “Congratulations, Buddy,” I thought
to myself, “You just taught her to shop. May you never
live to regret that.”
Another funny moment came when I sent an email to her
family from work saying everything was fine, Vika and
Sergey were adjusting well, and I would be sending them
back for a visit as soon as possible, probably later in
the year. Her family translated the message incorrectly
and called her mother to say, “Bud is angry already at
Vika and wants to send her back immediately!” I made Vika
promise to contact her family and set the record straight
right away.
The turning point came on our third night, sitting in the
hot tub at 2am, looking at the stars. She cried a little
and I asked what was wrong. Her response made everything
clear to me. She said “It’s just that everything in
America is so…big! The houses are big, the cars are big,
the food is big, the markets are big…..” I thought about
this. She was telling me she was a little overwhelmed by
it all. Yes, things in America are typically bigger than
in Russia. But also, this decision was BIG, the emotions
were BIG, the love between us was BIG, the worry about her
family was BIG. I knew in that instant the adjustment
would take some time. I told her I loved her, and would do
anything for her, to not worry, to not think about the
wedding or even staying. I asked her to just relax, and
try to find things she liked here. And I promised that in
the end if she couldn’t stay, I would send her back to her
family without anger. After all, I knew I could not have
made the sacrifices she had already made. This seemed to
calm her down, and we hugged each other for the longest
time.
The next day, I knew I had to do something to help her
make the connection back to Russia so we went to the
Russian market in Phoenix. She was greeted by the owners,
listened to cable Russian television, bought Kefir and
buckwheat, bulka and caviar spread. She saw the Russian
movies available for rent, and her mood lightened
considerably. We bought a few phone cards (333 minutes to
St Pete for $5) so she could call her mother for an hour a
day if she wanted. Suddenly the world seemed a little
smaller to her.
Later that day, we installed a Russian keyboard on our
computer, and downloaded Cyrillic fonts from A Foreign
Affair’s website. Now she could write to her friends and
family in Russian. Excellent move, Bud! Knowing her family
ate soup on a daily basis, we went to another market to
buy ingredients. I showed her where on the Internet she
could listen to Radio Baltika out of Moscow - all day if
she wanted. We found a playground and skate park for
Sergey, and bought him rollerblades. With all this she was
suddenly a new girl!
The next couple of days she would cook food she was
familiar with, email pictures to her family, and talk with
her mother and her friend Olga, now living in West Palm
Beach, Florida with her husband of two years. By Friday
the 30th, 5 days after hitting the US, I could tell
everything would be alright. I asked if she still wanted
to get married, jokingly, and she said “Don’t worry, I
still want, very much!” By the weekend she was suggesting
she go shopping again (I knew that was a mistake.) and had
become the smiling, happy flirt I had fallen in love with.
The range of emotions during this first week together in
America was an unanticipated learning experience for me.
One has to simply relax, allow his fiancée to feel all the
typical things we feel when we undergo major change in our
lives, and not become defensive or angry when she comes
out of the shower with a few tears in her eyes. We live in
this great country and culture, but our freedoms and
luxuries mean little at first to someone who is leaving
her family and home in Russia, to create new ones abroad.
Be patient, and be flexible, and wait for the love between
you to replace the worry and wonder that come with leaving
home.
If you have any questions or comments please contact us at
john@wwdl.net
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